Real Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the
room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is
coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a
big wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If
s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to
join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa
Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth…”

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come
to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

13. Whip your roomate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

14. Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”

15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my
soul!” (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too…)

16. Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends “give it a yank.”

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his/her
wings.”

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over
in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is asleep. When s/he wakes up sing, “he sees you when
you’re sleeping…”

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks,
tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her
that Santa’s elves must have done it.

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man… maybe GI JOE. Heck, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or “Stop Smoking
Barbie,” sporting a patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 47 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.

2. Give them to your son for a science project

3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making it’s rounds every year.

4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5. Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.

6. Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.

8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller
over them.

9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.

10. Last and probably least - try eating it! One way to get rid of it!

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra
footage

9. Any knick-knack

8. Tickets to the ballet

7. Another new tie

6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5. New teddy bear pajamas

4. Vacuum cleaner

3. A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)