Real Christmas

In case you didn’t know it — it is possible to be addicted to Christmas. Certainly, some level of excitement over Christmas is normal, but at what point does it border on unhealthy (or even insane)?

For many individuals, a Christmas addiction poses a greater threat than getting run over by a reindeer. If you want to know what the top six signs of being addicted to Christmas are, read on…

#1 — Boycotting Anti-Santa Malls

If you refuse to shop at a mall that doesn’t have a Santa on duty at all times, you’re probably suffering from a Christmas addiction. (Reality check: Once you hit the age of 7 or 8, you probably don’t need to get your photo taken sitting on Santa’s lap!)

#2 — Spiking Your Eggnog?

If you need spiked eggnog just to make it through your Christmas shopping marathon, it’s a telltale sign that you’re probably addicted to Christmas.

#3 — Desperately Seeking the North Pole

If you’ve tried Googling directions from your house to the North Pole five times and still aren’t sure how to get to Santa’s house, you are probably addicted to Christmas.

#4 — Expecting Mail from Santa

If you check your mail everyday hoping Santa sent you a letter, you should seek help to deal with your Christmas addiction.

#5 — Taking the Christmas Theme Too Far

If you sleep on red and green plaid sheets and wear red and green pajamas with socks and underwear decorated with Santa every night beginning on December 1 until Christmas Eve, you are definitely addicted to Christmas (and you should really keep that secret to yourself).

#6 — Identity Issues

Finally, if you’ve submitted a name-change application to legally change your last name to Clause (and you’re getting all new monogrammed towels embroidered with a red and green ?S? and ?C?), you have some serious Christmas addiction issues.

What Is the Solution for Christmas Addiction?

Eat two Christmas wreath cookies each and every day until December 25th and call me in the morning. It has been documented that Christmas addiction rapidly subsides at 11:59 p.m. on December 25. Take your cookies, drink plenty of eggnog, and wait it out until then.

About The Author
Noel Jameson LOVES Christmas. Whether you need help finding Christmas gifts or you want tips about Christmas decorations, Christmas crafts, or even Christmas humor, check out her entertaining and impassioned blog at http://www.christmasrants.com.

After hearing the Christmas story and singing “Silent Night”, a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo, Brazil was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.

One little fellow did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.

The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked St. Nick into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn’t sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, “Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

See Mother laugh. Mother is happy.
Mother is happy about Christmas.
Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother smile. Mother is happy.
The shopping is all done. See the children watch TV.
Watch, children watch.
See the children change their minds.
See them ask for different toys.
Look, look, Mother is not smiling.
Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew.
Mother will make dresses.
Mother will make robes.
Mother will make shirts.

See Mother put the zipper in wrong.
See Mother sew the dress on the wrong side.
See Mother cut the skirt too short.
See Mother put the material away until January.
Look. Look. See Mother take a tranquilizer.
Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts.
See Mother buy candied pineapple and powdered sugar.
See Mother buy flour, and dates,
and pecans, and brown sugar, and bananas,
and spices, and vanilla.
Look. Look. Mother is mixing everything together.
See the children press out cookies.
See the flour on their elbows.
See the cookies burn. See the cake fall.
See the children pull taffy. See mother pull her hair.
See mother clean the kitchen with the garden hose.
Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents.
See Mother look for the end on the scotch tape roll.
See Mother bite her finger nails. See Mother go.
See Mother go to the store 12 times in one hour.
Go Mother go. See Mother go faster. Run Mother run.
See Mother trim the tree.
See Mother have a party.
See Mother make popcorn.
See Mother wash the walls.
See Mother scrub the rug.
See Mother tear up the organized plan.
See Mother forget gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother get hives.
Go Mother go.
See the far away look in Mother’s eyes.
Mother has become disorganized.
Mother has become disoriented.
Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning.
See the happy family.
See Father smile. Father is happy.
Smile Father smile.
Father loves fruit cake.
Father loves Christmas pudding.
Father loves all the new neckties.
Look, look. See the happy children.
See the children’s toys.
Santa was very good to the children.
The children will remember this Christmas.

See Mother. Mother is slumped in a chair.
Mother is crying uncontrollably.
Mother does not look well.
Mother has ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes.
Everyone helps mother to her bed.
See Mother sleep quietly under heavy sedation.
See Mother smile.
Funny, funny Mother.

RAGING CONTROVERSY : Should the tree be real or fake?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION : Live tree, planted after use.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION : Fake tree, discarded after use.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL : Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits.
CHRISTMAS REALITY : Fake tree stays up until May 31, adorned with furballs.

RAGING CONTROVERSY : Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION : Each bulb blinks to its own chosen rhythm.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION : Bulbs flash logo of tree’s corporate sponsor.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL : Elegant flickering candles.
CHRISTMAS REALITY : Elegant smoldering cigarettes. Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.

RAGING CONTROVERSY : Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION : Gender-neutral angel quashes submissive female stereotype.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION : Blond angel, kneeling, in Hooter’s T-shirt.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL : Authentic angel swoops in from heaven, saves lives.
CHRISTMAS REALITY : Hell’s Angel stops in for dinner, drinks beer.

RAGING CONTROVERSY : Do you fling or hang tinsel?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION : Fling, empowering each strand with self-determining skills.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION : Hang them. Now.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL : Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
CHRISTMAS REALITY : Icicles hang next to actual strands of spaghetti.

RAGING CONTROVERSY : Do you open gifts Christmas morning or Christmas Eve?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION : Gifts opened on individual schedules.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION : Do it Christmas Eve, so the giving is over in time to enjoy Rush Limbaugh’s afternoon show.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL : “Mommy, Daddy, get up, it’s Christmas!”
CHRISTMAS REALITY : “Mommy, Daddy, get up, it’s Christmas!”

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.